December 20, 2016

Coping with Toxic/Abusive Families this Holiday

December 20, 2016

It’s that time again! And, no, not just the time to be overwhelmed by a busy holiday season - all the gift-getting, party-planning, and social-gathering. It's that time where the whole world pauses to focus on family. For many across the world, the holidays are when all the scattered relatives of each splintered tree-branch come together in one town, or even under one roof. People will be cheerfully hugging and catching up with siblings and cousins, moms and grandpas. There will endless Instagram photos of reunions with big smiles, quotes in curly lettering, and captions pushed to their text limit on how much family is everything. How it’s the lifeblood. Yes, we’re only days away from those forceful nudges from others to revel in the company of family. We’ll see, “Don’t wait to make amends. None of us are promised tomorrow!” and told to never forget to “Forgive. Love. Cherish!”

But, for an inordinate amount of the population? Family is anything but merry, warm or inviting. It’s the source of pain, of loss, abandonment, and grief. It’s abuse and yelling, belligerence and guilt-tripping. In countless tiny corners, there will be an adult survivor of child abuse wrestling with themselves, tearing out their insides, trying to decide if they should answer their mother’s text. Another will have agreed to come to the Christmas dinner only to immediately regret it, and now there's no way out. Another is desperately waiting for their family to invite them — anything to show that maybe they care. Or, that they weren’t forgotten. Maybe their family actually wonders if they’re alive or not but haven’t earned the right to know. The simple fact is that all over this globe are trauma survivors with families that are incredibly toxic. They are not to be welcomed with open arms. They will require courage of steel just to share the same room. And, some shouldn’t even be spoken to, let alone seen or forgiven.

“Should I go?” “Should I invite them?” “They sounded so sweet this time...” “Maybe she’ll forgive me.” “Maybe he won’t get so drunk this time. He's doing better I heard.” “I should show her I’m healthy now. She’ll be proud of me, right?” “He’s always so inappropriate, he can’t be around my kids.” “I just want my mom. …but she’s evil.” “But he’s sick? This could be his last Christmas.” “I’m so stupid. Why would I ever think they’d wanna see me again?” “Am I just being dramatic?” “Am I being selfish?” “What if she turns the rest of the family against me for not inviting her? They’d all hate me. They already hate me.” “I could do it if I’m drunk. Yeah, okay. It's just once.” “I’ll try. I can face them! I’m an adult now. They can’t hurt me! …right? No no no, not right.”

These words, and farrrr more, are part of the endless monologues we know are running through so, so many of you this holiday season. We know how painful it can be to watch everyone else revel in high spirits and the warm embraces of family. They’re sharing memories and playing games, digging up inside jokes and sharing presents. But for you, the holidays remind you of fights. Soooo many fights. So much yelling and pain, mind games, abuse — constant brokenness. On the other side, there are those of you who recall perfect, plastic Norman Rockwell holidays that were a complete masquerade of the abusive family that lived behind them every other day of the year—forever confusing you of what’s real. You can’t stomach faking your way through even one more of those.

But how do you make it your holiday? How do you honor yourself when that may include shutting others out? How do you make this season safe and calm - what you always wanted and deserved, without the suffocating guilt or aching loneliness? If you’ve never been taught how, what do you do about FAMILY? While there are no easy answers, perhaps some of our thoughts can lend a gentle hand of aid:

1.) Remind yourself that you are allowed to set boundaries.

You are an adult now. You are allowed to say NO. You are allowed to say that this year you have different plans that do not include abusive, manipulative, or negligent individuals. …even if it’s a parent who lives alone or a relative who is terminally ill. You know what you can expect of their behavior better than anyone. And, if you know it’s anything that wouldn’t honor you as an adult — or your children if you have them — then you are allowed to turn them down. You do not owe them your heart or your home, no matter how tangled up things feel. No matter how many Facebook posts tell you that you must, and no matter how many photos of others' make you pine for what could be - if you know that your family is toxic, scary, or can make you feel smaller than a speck on the wall, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SAY NO. You have complete and total permission here. You can set boundaries. And setting those boundaries is what healthy, strong, respectable adults that you admire do. It is not being selfish. It is not being “dramatic”. It is not being mean. It’s being mature, and level-headed, and strong as f— frick. ;)

2.) Beware of the wolves in sheep’s clothing.

Holidays are a prime time for reflection and fuzzy feelings — they get the best of all of us sometimes. They can make even the baddest of people soften their edges and become just sooo very warm and inviting. As a survivor of abuse or toxic family dynamics, it can be incredibly hard to resist. That hurt, little you desperately wants them to mean what they say and to feel their affections. It’s all you’ve ever wanted. And they may seem so sincere! “This could be the year!” And, we suppose it really could be. Bad people can change, and amends can be made. But, if those amends couldn’t wait or you know they wouldn’t be made outside of the holiday season, beware that their intentions may not be so pure. If they don’t want to work anything out or speak to you about things before the holiday (or are deeply offended by you asking to wait until after the busy season to strike things back up), they may not miss you as badly as they say they do. They may be toying with your heart. …again. And it’s going to be so hard to resist. That’s to be expected. It’s even entirely understandable because it comes from that beautifully innocent place in you that exists in all of us. It’s out of the purest kind of hope — and it’s one that we don’t want to see get crushed by their hurtfulness.
If you know that your toxic family member has a tendency to turn on the charm during holidays or special events, if they're trying to lure you into holiday celebrations, convince you they should come stay for awhile, or just reeeeeally want to see you all of a sudden? You may need to label this fluffy little sheep as the wolf they’ve always been. Run it by a friend, see if they get the same warm feels you do. If they don’t, trust their intuition if they respond saying they don’t want to see you get hurt. If it’s meant to be, your family member will be there when the holidays pass. If not, returning their messages now may just be returning yourself to being abused again. You don’t deserve that. You never did.

3.) Take time to grieve.

For some of you, your abusers may have passed on. And for others, it's the idea of a happy, healthy family that is long gone and passed. There is also the mourning of a childhood that was robbed of some of the simplest holiday joys, which can rub your heart raw as you celebrate as an adult. Holidays can bring up so, so much grief whenever it feels like something extraordinary is missing. For those with toxic or abusive families, there was always something vital missing. And, as we get older and lose people in our lives, the grief of loved ones no longer here can compound all these losses into one, soul-crushing ball of pure pain. If the person no longer alive was an abusive family member, you may even find yourself additionally vulnerable to a flood of traumatic memories, too - not just the grief. Memories may feel “safer” to reveal themselves to you now that the person is no longer alive or a threat to you. The same can be true even if you only set firmer boundaries and closed doors on relationships. They may not have passed away, but a book has been tightly closed and your mind can feel a little sturdier to go back and flip through some of its pages. If you know this is a possibility, labeling it for yourself ahead of time will spare your poor heart and mind a great deal of added anguish.
Surround yourself with as much support as you can. Whether that is through a therapist, friends, a partner, or other siblings/family members who may be experiencing something similar - try not to leave yourself too isolated or without support. Once you have that, allow yourself some time to grieve. Set aside 20 minutes to let your mind go to all of “those places”. Feel the feelings. Acknowledge the hole in your chest. Let yourself stomp and clench your fists at how unfair it is. Let yourself cry. You deserved so much better. You always did. It’s okay to be sad and to feel it all.
By setting aside time to feel this in small doses, it will likely save you from allllll that pain just washing over right as you go to put gifts under the tree, or as you're carrying dishes back to the kitchen. Honor your feelings. Pace them out. You'll be freer and lighter and less likely to be taken down by a Grief Tidal Wave™. And just trust us, those are vicious. ;)

4.) Create new memories.

The holidays are as much about reflecting on old memories as they are about creating new ones. But, for trauma survivors, we think the emphasis should be so much heavier on creating new ones. Now is the time to do all the things you wanted to as a child but weren’t allowed. Play with kids' toys. Make a lot of noise. Run through the house. Indulge in an extra dessert if you never let yourself do so. Watch the movies you wanna watch. Invite ONLY the people you want to invite, go to the parties you want to go to, and stay home in PJs and slippers on the nights you wanna stay in!
This holiday can be 100% yours - finally! Your life is invaluable and you should spend it how, and with whom, you are most happy. You might not have an Ugly Christmas Sweater family portrait with all the cousins and in-laws to post on Instagram, but you also were spared a bunch of awkward conversations, backhanded compliments, and most likely being made to feel like a lot less than you're really worth. You deserve to do things on your terms And, for once, that doesn't have to include anyone yelling at you, telling you all the things you messed up, or shaming your job, your weight, your partner, or your house. No fighting, no guilt-tripping, no violence.
You get to redefine what this Christmas/Hanukkah/etc means to you. You get to rewrite what your New Years Eve will look like. You also get to start a fresh new year! And, guess what. Good news is you don’t have to wait for a new year to start living for, and honoring, you. START RIGHT NOW! Make new memories. Meaningful ones. So many new ones you can't even keep track!

5.) Celebrate every small victory.

This mess is hard. It's tough, tough stuff. It is so hard to know what the right decision is at any given moment. And you’re not gonna get ‘em all right. …you just aren’t. But for each and every thing you accomplish, celebrate it! First acknowledging the toxic people in your life is a big step for many of you. Letting yourself even temporarily consider that not seeing them this year is even an option may also be the biggest step you’ve ever made. Asking yourself the hard questions, recognizing your needs along with anticipating others' intentions, signing off of social media, and tuning out any of the guilting messages around you — these are huge steps.
For each and every single boundary you set, and every last one you stand strong in keeping— CELEBRATE IT! You are doing things most can’t even imagine conquering amidst all the other hustle and bustle of the season. Your heartstrings are so tangled up and confused and they just don’t know what’s good or bad or sideways sometimes. And how couldn’t they be? Setting boundaries is one of the most critical, most difficult, and most powerful steps in a trauma survivor’s life. Doing so with toxic and/or abusive family members is next level, Achievement Unlocked kind of strength. For each baby step and large victory you make along the way, know that we’re also cheering with you as you celebrate these successes yourself. It’s just that important. :)

So, this holiday season, please know that you are not truly alone in this - even when it feels like it. We are here. And, there are tons of others just like you, sitting with these exact same heavy feelings and possibly even a hefty dose of envy that they don’t get to have the same easy joy the rest of the world gets to feel. They’re making these same kinds of hard decisions, going back and forth staring endlessly into their phones, lamenting over what the right call is to make, too. Perhaps you can even seek to find support in one another.

We also know some of you might have to face unsafe or toxic people against your will, just because the circumstances have made it so. We are deeply pained for you and are extending our deepest amounts of compassion and every safety net that exists for you. For others, you will have decided that this is the year you are choosing to say yes to family members again. And, if you feel you’ve come to that decision earnestly and not out of the expectations of a traumatized, young version of you that feels obligated - then you have our full support. We applaud the strength you’ve gathered in yourself to get to this place in your healing. For the rest of you who are saying NO to toxic/abusive family members? You deserve all the praise and love and support there is to go around! You should be so so proud of yourselves. All of you. Getting through this season at all? Fighting the good fight? It's worth its weight in gold, no matter what the fight actually looks like.

In closing, we know this is an incredibly tough time of year for so many more reasons than just these. We’ve even made a guide to surviving the holidays with C-PTSD/DID that tackles all the other, non-familial ways this season so very much to take. We encourage you to read that (or re-read it!) just to recharge yourself. This way you can feel confident marching into these upcoming weeks with a clear head, a bundle of deep breaths, and a game plan to guide you through.

We are thinking of you and sending our utmost compassion out to all survivors everywhere. And we're asking others to do the same! May you never feel forgotten or unseen. And, may your holidays be safe, wonderful, and special to you.

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Beauty After Bruises

November 25, 2016

Resources, Coping Skills, Holidays

Surviving the Holidays with C-PTSD / DID

Beauty After Bruises

November 25, 2016

Resources, Coping Skills, Holidays

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The holiday season is stressful for everyone. But for many with Complex PTSD and dissociative disorders, it can be the absolute worst time of year. While there are often bright spots, the unique struggles that trauma survivors can face as the year comes to a close too often overshadow them. Whether out and about, or gathering with family, the holidays are such a loud, busy and overstimulating time — or in other words, a nightmare for anyone with a posttraumatic condition. But, there are also so many hidden things that survivors struggle with that many may not even realize - even to survivors with different histories from each other. Many of you will have to face immediate or extended family that were the source of your trauma. Others will gather around unsupportive or toxic family/friends who don't value your mental health or personal wellbeing. And, for many survivors, the holidays are actual anniversaries of past trauma or violence. This time of year is also an unforgiving battleground to the many who struggle with food, disordered eating, and/or addictions. To add insult to injury, an upsetting number of trauma survivors are grappling with chronic physical health issues, too - most of which came as a result of their trauma, whether they realize that relationship or not. They're going to be in pain, sick, or exhausted – wanting to engage, but unable. The list goes on, and we know just how hard many of you will be fighting to stay above water. We want to help however we can.

Because you will all have very different holiday plans, trauma histories, and triggers across varying degrees of safety or stages in recovery - when it comes to managing your symptoms - there can be no one-size-fits all guide to get through. And, if you’re up against still-toxic or abusive family, most things become a gamble as to if they’ll help or harm. Because of that, we added a separate post to address those unique concerns, too. There are, however, some things that are universal and remain true for most everyone. So! Here are some suggestions for getting through the holiday season safely - with your sanity intact and knowing someone has your back. Take what applies to you, leave the rest, and please feel free to share some of your suggestions below. Keep extending that support to our community of survivors!

Our list to get through the holidays:

❄︎ Stay grounded. Remaining grounded is your first and strongest line of defense to any of the things you'll face during the holidays. If you aren't grounded, none of your coping skills will be as effective. Keep textured items in your pocket, bag and/or car. Carry a notecard on you or in your phone that can remind you of the date, that you're safe and an adult now, as well as any other orienting details that are important to you. Keep your feet on the floor whenever you can. Try to refrain from staring off or zoning out when things get too dull (or too heated). Keep your phone on you to play music or engage in interactive apps whenever you feel yourself drifting. Look around the room - take note of all the pretty things that catch your eye as you look about. Talk or engage with someone if you can; vocalize in some way when you're alone. Step out and wash your hands or face in cool water. Go outside for a bit to reinvigorate yourself with fresh air or cold temperatures. Anything you can to stay present in the here and now! (We also have 101 Grounding Techniques right here for ya if you need ideas or just want to have it on hand in case you can’t remember your own later!)

❄︎ Remember: You have a voice. This is your life, your safety, your sanity. You matter. You are allowed to set boundaries for yourself, to say no, to change your mind and to make choices that honor you. If you don't want to visit with someone, or know that seeing them will trigger or stress you too greatly, you do not have to go. You can speak those needs and set those boundaries. We understand that for some of you - particularly those who live with or are asked to see unsafe people, or those who may retaliate or hold that choice over your head - saying no would actually put you in danger. We understand there are times it is a necessity and do not want to encourage you to put yourself in harm's way. But, for those of you whom it just feels scary, or you know it’d make you feel guilty, ashamed or upset - ask yourself if those temporary feelings are more important than the endless, unpredictable amounts of distress that spending time with those people would cause you. Use your voice. Set boundaries. You are an adult and are allowed to say no now and have it be respected.

❄︎ Plan ahead. One of the best strategies for not only preventing an utter disaster but even getting to enjoy yourself, is to plan ahead in the most detailed way possible. List what kinds of things you're going to do for yourself before the important moments, to ensure you’re prepared to go into any stressful environment much less vulnerable, feeling steady and even confident. Describe the things you're going to do during the event to make sure you'll be staying grounded, level and calm. Then, be incredibly specific about what you're going to do after to decompress and unwind, being certain to add what you'll do for self-care. This is called a "Before/During/After Plan" or a BDA. You can make one for every significant challenge or phase of the holiday season: phone calls and planning stages, declining an invite, food prep, the gathering, specific traditions you know may be emotional, etc.

❄︎ Don't forget the basics. It sounds painfully simple, but it's so easy to forget. Take your medications. Eat well. Stay hydrated. Force yourself to rest your body and mind even if you cannot sleep. Don’t neglect your physical health. These things are as much your foundation as being grounded is. Forgetting any of these basic needs can make you more vulnerable to symptoms, which can lead to a full unravelling later.

❄︎ Internal communication. Those of you who have internal parts (DID/OSDD) will need to make sure you're doing a lot of internal communication — but self-talk and tending to the really young or past versions of yourself can be helpful and important for all survivors. Acknowledge with one another the difficult, painful, scary, or triggering things that you know you’ll be facing. Validate those feelings and fears with each other. Then, together, plan how you want to work as an efficient unit, arranging yourselves and customizing individual jobs to best tackle each event on your calendar. Also, discuss what you might do to honor one another, maybe consider sharing gifts if that feels right (even if those gifts are as simple as letting a part watch a movie at home or color a picture - it doesn't have to be a material present :) ). Acknowledging and validating what is so painful about these holidays also leaves you less likely to be blindsided by traumatic material mid-holiday celebration. If someone inside encounters a trigger they didn’t see coming, it’s so much harder to access their tools suddenly, recover quickly, and regroup.

❄︎ Incentivize. Unfortunately, many complex trauma survivors also struggle with self-harm, addiction, and/or other self-destructive behaviors. Many more are wrestling devastating depression, OCD, eating disorders, bipolar, and/or other mental illnesses in addition to their trauma. Get yourself a gift or other incentive, one you aren’t allowed to have until January 2nd (or after each individual holiday or milestone). If you get through the whole holiday season self-harm free or are able to accomplish things you felt too depressed or too afraid to do, your gift is waiting there for you and will congratulate you for crushing that goal!

❄︎ Let yourself grieve. It seems counterintuitive to lead yourself into painful emotions, but it makes them far less likely to bubble up just as you're getting comfortable or having a good time. Let yourself be sad. Let yourself be angry. Let yourself mourn lost holidays or entire childhoods of happy memories. Allow yourself to be upset by all that your traumatic experiences robbed from you or made more difficult than it ever needed to be. Take a moment to be angry about neglectful and/or dismissive family/friends who won't support you the way you deserve to be supported. Once you've given yourself a moment to feel these feelings, your mind will feel freer to let go and enjoy the holidays - less determined to remind you how it’s been really, really hurt by everything associated with them, afraid you’ll forget it still needs healing.

❄︎ Take time for you. You don't have to be "on" from Thanksgiving to January. You don't have to be "on" morning to night on any holiday either. Take breaks. Leave the room. Take a walk outside. Sit in peace in a bedroom or unoccupied room for a moment. Those 15 minute breathers will do you and your nervous system wonders before returning to the festivities - even if you don’t think you need one yet. If you’re having trouble thinking of things you can do for yourself to recharge, feel like you again, or to self-soothe - be it in tiny doses or in larger-effort, longer-lasting ways - our article on Self-Care has over 101 ideas to help.

❄︎ Support system. If you have friends or family that support you healthily, connect with them. Make it a point to fill them in on what's going on and all that’s worrying you. Plan to connect with them even if for just 5 or 10 minutes before/after holiday gatherings. We know that many therapists aren't available during holiday weeks, and even we are a bit harder to reach at times, so touching base with friends and family that you know have your back can help you feel less stranded or as if you've been abandoned in your weakest moments.

❄︎ Breathe. Again, it sounds so simple, but you'll be amazed by how often the times you're feeling completely overwhelmed, you’re actually holding your breath. Take several deep, cleansing breaths each time you feel your tension meter rising. You can also try color-breathing.

❄︎ Limit alcohol/substances. The holidays don't make this super easy for those who like to partake, but any level of intoxication can make traumatic material just a trigger away from flooding you. ...and leaves you quite defenseless against it, too. Try to be extra responsible during the rough moments - even if your whole body’s zinging or feels like you're going to burst. Going for another drink to drown it out or feel calmer actually increases your vulnerability for it all to come crashing down — both inside your mind and possibly in your behavior. For those of you who struggle with moderating your alcohol consumption or need to steer clear entirely, try recruiting a trusted loved one to help keep you accountable and feel less isolated amidst the temptation.

❄︎ Remember: You do not have to stay. Just like before, your needs matter. You are not obligated to do anything you don't want to, or to do it for longer than you desire. You do not have to feel guilty. You don't owe anyone an explanation for why you are leaving, where you're going, or why you want to go ‘so soon’. Catastrophe doesn’t have to strike to start feeling like you have permission to consider it; you can leave solely because you feel like it. You are being a proactive bamf by taking care of you and heading out before it even feels unsteady. If you don't think you can count on your voice to be strong enough in the moment, make plans to see someone immediately after a gathering and make that known ahead of time that you can’t stay long. Don't have anyone free to do that with or are traveling? There are even apps that can help you get out of a situation you don't want to be in. :) Even if you have to get clever about it, you are still allowed to go when you've had enough. Period.

❄︎ Physical safety. If you MUST visit (or already live with) unsafe people and things escalate - but you don’t feel you can leave the room, step outside, or leave entirely - if things are about to erupt into violence, apps like SafeTrek exist that will bring the police to your location without you ever making or answering a call. (This app is valuable for many other scenarios and great for trauma survivors broadly, even if it’s only used to soothe in perceived-versus-actual unsafety. It, and others, are available for iOS and Android.) There are also emergency features on both Apple and Android phones; research them. You may be able to send an SOS to a trusted friend that includes your location and 5 seconds of video/audio if desired. You can also dial 911 yourself if you feel you can and just leave it open for an operator to listen to the chaos. Many are familiar with this practice, and they may be willing to send a wellness check.
If you don’t feel either of those are safe options, or that a visit from police would make things less safe for you, take some time now to brainstorm what WOULD feel safe to you. Can you make a plan with a friend to have them call you if you text a certain word? To interrupt the chaos? To force the violent parties to hush because someone on the phone might hear them, or because you had to get up and go to another room to take it? Do you have an ally in the family/friend group who could help you? What feels right to you? If your answer is “Just take it” (the abuse), I urge you to reconsider. You are important. You are valuable. You are worthy of basic needs: safety. You do not need to accept this or endure this any longer. You have a voice and you have a brilliant mind that can find something else. Anything else.

❄︎ Conquering loneliness. Many of these tips revolve around gatherings with others. But, for some of you, much of the holiday season is actually spent alone (either by choice or circumstance). Since loneliness can breed all sorts of darkness in the mind, plan your own holiday time for you. Make the day a day to treat yourself like you never do. Watch movies, take a bath, paint your nails, turn your music up, watch new shows on Netflix, read a book, make yourself an elaborate meal, celebrate yourself and how far you’ve come. Go ahead and make everyone slummin’ it with the fam jealous that you were at home having the time of your life in your PJs, coloring an adult coloring book, having Christmas cookies and tea. ;) But, in all seriousness, if you really feel like that’s just going to be too hard even if you make it a fun day for you - much like those spending time with others - make a plan for the day. Outline it. What will you do before the day begins to make sure you're at your strongest? What are you going to do during to keep yourself steady? And what will you do after to decompress and take care of yourself? Make sure your plan has TONS of self-care and self-treating in it. You deserve it!

❄︎ Be kind to yourself. The holidays are hard. For everyone. Yes, even those who seem to have it all together. It is never going to be perfect. You're likely going to make mistakes, have bad days, be a little short with someone you love, or have a day where you aren't the most patient. You may stumble, or even completely fall apart. While we hope that doesn't happen, but it's okay if it does. Life is a process, and every year is different. None of us get it right every time, or even most of the time. The best and only thing to do after something goes wrong is to practice some self-kindness. Cut yourself some slack and remind yourself that now, if any a time, is the time you need comfort the most...especially from yourself. Be gentle. If you wouldn't tell one of your friends they were stupid or bad for making the exact same mistake, then you aren't either. Breathe. It's safe. You are going to be okay.

And we are here. So, you're going to be more than okay :)

We are sending you the warmest of wishes along with an abundance of care and compassion — from all of us here at Beauty After Bruises. You are always in our hearts and we'll be thinking of you tons this holiday season.

For those of you with extra difficult families,
don't forget to check out our follow-up article on
Coping with Toxic/Abusive Families
During the Holidays!

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Coping with Toxic/Abusive Families this Holiday

1.) Remind yourself that you are allowed to set boundaries.