Color Breathing 101

What is color breathing?

Color breathing is a coping skill that combines a little mental imagery with intentional breathing to help modulate intense feelings, stabilize panic, soothe pain, slow rapid thoughts, or even get you more grounded. It's an invaluable tool that truly everyone can use, but it's especially beneficial for those who struggle with emotion dysregulation, flashbacks, dissociation, and more. So, how do you do it?!

There are many ways to use color breathing, so not only is customization the fun part but it's also the key to its success! One of the most common ways folks practice it is to first imagine a very calming color (perhaps cooling deep blues or purples, or warming yellows and golds for others). Then assign a color that matches the upsetting or painful emotions/sensations you're experiencing - perhaps reds, oranges, or blacks.
Slowly inhale the calming shade deep into your lungs. Watch it effortlessly locate all the areas of unrest, anxiety, or pain inside of you. See it just as easily envelope them, soothe them, heal them. As the color you see representing your distress gets extracted from every cell, space that it invaded, or place it radiated off of you, begin your exhale. Watch that color, in all of its shapes and textures, leave you through as long a breath as you can manage. It may leave in a rush, like it was almost expelled from your chest, or instead find itself slow and difficult to release as you contend with its resistance.

Repeat this deep inhaling and exhaling of colors until you feel more at ease. You may even find that the colors change a bit as you start to improve - with reds dialing back to oranges then yellows, its jagged edges softening. Or instead see black tarry sludge becoming thinner, lighter, and easier to lift out. This version is most commonly used for anxiety, panic attacks, anger or budding rage, and physical pain. But, some find it helpful for all overwhelming (or dysregulated) emotions - like grief, sadness, embarrassment, shame, or even apathy and numbness - similarly opting to inhale invigorating, light colors and exhale the weighted colors of misery, loneliness, or guilt.

Another method is to concentrate mostly on the exhale—inhaling any clear, healing breath, and with each exhale of the negative feelings, watch the colors change like a gradient. Shifting from bright fiery shades to cooler tones, or from dark, fully-opaque colors to light, whimsy translucence. This is particularly useful if you haven't been able to identify which feelings you're experiencing or have no idea "what you need" to make things better. You just know that what you're dealing with is intense and you want it out of you. Quickly. So, instead, put all your energy into exhaling any highly active colors until you either get to the calmer end of the 'rainbow'. Maybe can’t even see your breath at all. This can be a really effective way to still dial things down. (You can also dial up, and use quicker breaths, if you need the reverse to combat numbness!)

There are many, many other ways to customize this tool to work best for you. The more you can truly visualize the practice and believe in its effectiveness, the more successful it will be - physiologically! There are also countless ways to apply this template beyond colors alone. Incorporate speeds for racing thoughts or your pounding heart rate that needs stilled and quieted. Bring in different textures, medicinal properties, magic or fantasy elements, sounds, or physical gestures to go along with the flow of your breath. Fully connect with your body and be active in shifting what it is experiencing. Help yourself feel more in control—owning your emotions, your body, and your healing.

For those who are not naturally inclined toward creative imagery, have aphantasia, or don't yet know what to assign their internal experiences, holding physical objects - like color wheels/dials you've made for yourself or colorful photos you like or have on your phone - can be helpful. You can use them as both a visual reference as well as a tool you can manually change - matching it to the color you either just achieved, are aiming to get to next, or need to pull from in your current inhale. These are great ways to make this technique more accessible to you. Modify it to be exactly what you benefit from most!

How would you go about color breathing?
Sharing new ideas, suggestions, or personal experiences - especially from other survivors -
can often be just the thing that makes new techniques click for someone else!

Happy, easier breathing!

MORE POSTS YOU MAY FIND HELPFUL:

  ✧  Grounding 101: 101 Grounding Techniques
  ✧  Distraction 101: 101 Distraction Tools
  ✧  Flashbacks 101: 4 Tools to Cope with Flashbacks
✧ Self-Care 101: 101 Self-Care Tools
  ✧  Nighttime 101 and Nighttime 201: Sleep Strategies for Complex PTSD
✧ Color Breathing 101: How to Calm Overwhelming Emotions and Physical Pain
  ✧  Imagery 101: Healing Pool and Healing Light
  ✧  DID Myths: Dispelling Common Misconceptions about Dissociative Identity Disorder
  ✧  Did You Know?: 8 Things We Should All Know about C-PTSD and DID
  ✧  Trauma and Attachment: 3-Part Series on Attachment Theory with Jade Miller
 
  ❖  Article Index  ❖

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Inpatient Trauma Care is in Crisis

Since Beauty After Bruises’ inception, we have been speaking to the dire need for more specialized, trauma-competent care for survivors with Complex PTSD and Dissociative Disorders. Not only a need for more therapists, psychiatrists, medical doctors, and healthcare services at large, but most critically, inpatient care. We were distressed by the lack of inpatient trauma units available back then, but following so many recent, rather sudden closures, it is no longer alarmist to say: This is a crisis.

So, what on earth is happening? Why are these units closing? And, what do we do from here if we’re to have any hope of keeping our complex trauma survivors alive?

Hopefully, this in-depth look can shed some light on a rather complex problem - starting with how grave the situation we were already in many years ago truly was.

---

Though there are thousands of psychiatric hospitals, facilities, and individual units across the United States, there are now less than five who are equipped to treat the nuanced, highly specialized needs of survivors with Complex PTSD and Dissociative Disorders. Devastatingly, we have had to sit back and watch in horror as some of the leading mainstays in trauma and dissociation closed their doors one-by-one. Others have downsized, greatly limited who they accept (based on patients’ location or level of care needed), changed leadership (and thusly, the structure and quality of their programs), or merged units with other psychiatric populations. This is unacceptable, worrying, and - truthfully - dangerous for all survivors in critical need.

WhY A specialized TRAUMA UNIT?

It may be easy to assume that survivors can go to any unit, or at least the next best thing - particularly if their life depends on it. But, 'just going somewhere else' often isn’t a safe or viable option; it may even jeopardize their lives further. Even units claiming they “are trauma-informed,” “see patients with DID,” “have a trauma track,” or simply “treat PTSD” are rarely, in fact, trauma-competent. We know it is possible to leave even the highest-rated inpatient programs with more trauma than the day you arrived, but when missteps and failures happen in the care of those who erroneously think themselves equipped to process trauma, bring child parts out of flashback, or talk time-disoriented alters down from active safety crises, the consequences can be fatal. They already have been. Intellectually knowing ways trauma can affect a mind and body versus having the skills, training, staff, environment, safety protocols, infrastructure, and detailed curricula to treat or engage with a traumatized patient are very, very different things. This distinction exponentiates when caring for survivors with Dissociative Identity Disorder or who have organized perpetrator groups still active in their lives.

Other psychiatric units and residential programs unintentionally place complex trauma patients in danger when they do not have specialized treatment teams, properly-trained unit staff, quiet and low-trigger atmospheres (separate from other psychiatric populations), and/or locked units capable of handling both safety threats from outside the building as well as dissociative or wandering patients inside the building. It requires a very nuanced education to, first, correctly identify, and then safely engage with a survivor who is in crisis versus a flashback, switching between self-states, having an immediate safety threat, or experiencing a medical emergency. These are all delicate concerns of life and death, particularly when patients are already coming onto the unit at a critical low, with their symptoms and safety impulses most unmanaged. This is not merely the difference between a 3- or 4-star review.

Unfortunately, because there are no other options, many survivors are sent to these other locations. Or, they’re left to roll the dice in gen-psych in hopes of either stabilizing in 3 days or - at the very least - adjusting necessary medications and quickly returning to their outpatient therapists. Rarely is any true therapy or treatment provided here, only attempts at acute stabilization. Other survivors are forced to come up with tens of thousands of dollars to try a more trauma-centered residential program. But, many of these locations run into the very same trouble as those above — particularly their inability to take on clients struggling with critical safety issues, behavioral outbursts, or co-occurring eating disorders, substance abuse, or medical illness. While not being a locked unit can offer survivors more freedom, it also means staff are unable to prevent elopement and are woefully under-equipped for any external safety threats, intruders, or even belligerent visitors. This not only jeopardizes the life and wellbeing of the patient that these nefarious folks may be after, but also the lives of everyone else in the program, staff included.

It should also be noted that this sincerely tragic and heartbreaking state of affairs is not limited to the United States. This is a global crisis. Most countries have exactly zero trauma units. Some have one or two, though often of questionable caliber. Healthcare systems set aside, most nations encounter these very same complications internationally. It is unacceptable that, right as we are all becoming more trauma-aware and trauma-educated than we’ve ever been, this is when doors begin closing left and right. So, what is happening? And why is it happening? Let’s examine.

WHY ARE TRAUMA UNITS CLOSING EN MASSE?

Unfortunately, like most things in life - particularly healthcare - it is multifactorial. With so many moving parts, people, institutions, dollar signs, and powers that be, it’s tough to summarize such a complex issue. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to at least identify all we can discern, otherwise we delay working on the elements within our means of influence. It is not hyperbolic to say survivors will die each day we fail to understand and, most importantly, begin to rectify this crisis.

An incomplete list of known reasons:

• Hospital budget cuts. The simplest answer will always be money. And, when it comes to hospital systems, trauma units are often the easiest to cut when they need to trim margins - even if the program is in high demand, always full, and has a waitlist a mile long. They are usually the most niche focus in the entire hospital. They are also hard to advocate for amongst suits who have no knowledge of trauma or dissociation broadly, let alone how widespread it actually is.
  
  Moreover, in order to be an effective and therapeutic environment, they are kept small (usually amassing no more than 15-20 patients in a particularly large program) and thus, they become easy to excise. Expansion - be it to serve more survivors desperately waiting at home, or to prove its profitability to a hospital - isn’t truly viable. It drastically compromises the quality of care, patient atmosphere, and overall safety of everyone when too many struggling and dissociative survivors are congregated in one space.
  

• Expertise comes at a price. The caliber of trauma professionals required to adequately staff a trauma unit - from the doctors, therapists, social workers, nurses, and accessory therapy leaders, to the round-the-clock mental health workers - is extremely high. They need and expect to be paid accordingly for their expertise, hours of training, and broader qualifications obtained to work there. As they should. Few to no other psychiatric units in any medical center carry this amount of professional weight, nor do they require this much funding to support.
  

• Training. Related to but separate from above, the amount of training focused on the nuances of trauma and dissociation that day-to-day unit staff must receive - as well as the hospital-wide art, music, occupational, movement, and/or psychodrama therapists; the medical directors, doctors, and pharmacists; and the RNs, unit nurses, residents, social workers, and other specialized positions - in order to safely aid this population, takes time. And quality instruction. And those things cost money. But each staff member that enters a trauma unit, no matter how briefly, needs to understand the differences that this floor maintains in terms of environment, patient rules, and detailed safety protocols that likely don’t exist on the other units.
  
  Float staff often require a crash course. Medical doctors, coverage psychiatrists, and rotating nurses need to be taught about dissociation, switching, and the shifting brain chemistry that patients with DID can experience, which may affect their medications and/or medical health. Outside-unit staff called in for emergency health or behavioral codes need careful instruction on the rules surrounding physical touch and chemical/physical restraint, as well as how patient engagement and deescalation work differently here. (And, to be fair, these should be hospital-wide policies, not solely applied to the trauma unit, but we can’t fix all of psychiatric care here at once!)
  
  Above all, the daily unit staff need to be fully educated on PTSD, triggers, dissociative disorders, switching, flashbacks, grounding, child parts, emotion dysregulation, internal communication, and safety safety safety. To not only recognize, but mitigate and/or teach, these things to patients who will need to learn how to do these things for themselves when they leave. It takes time—often shadowing for weeks. It takes dedication. Patience. Compassion. Loyal, focused staff. All of which are not only dollar signs to a hospital, but just hard to come by in general. Because…
  

• Inpatient crisis-care is grueling and painful. Staffing a trauma unit is hard. There was already a steep imbalance of trauma-competent or even -aware professionals versus the number of survivors in need since the beginning of time. But, inpatient care is emotionally and mentally intense. These brave souls see patients at their absolute worst, at a time their symptoms are the most unmanaged, emotions most dysregulated, and safety concerns most grave. The latter alone can be internally frightening. They are people - with big, warm, compassionate hearts. It’s a requisite for this work. They hear, on repeat, the worst crimes of all humanity, against the most precious of innocents this world has: children. And, they do it for years. It is hard on a mind.
  
  Burnout, vicarious and secondary trauma, or consciously opting to dedicate just a few years to this work before stepping down to outpatient care are all very common. The folks with these unique qualifications, talents, and now the one-on-one experience can find it more lucrative and rewarding to either start their own practices, join a collective that offers adjunctive trauma therapies, or step down to a day program so that they can help survivors integrate what they’re learning into their day-to-day lives. So, not only is staffing a trauma unit hard from the jump, retaining the staff you’ve built there is even harder.
  

• Healthcare worker burnout: 2020-edition. We are currently amidst a period of mass global trauma. Healthcare worker burnout in all fields and practices is occurring at such an accelerated rate it’s impossible to plug the leak. As clinicians and HCWs from other specialties leave (or have passed on themselves), those remaining must step in for them to fill the gaps. They are then spread even thinner, begin to burn out, and leave—rinse, repeat. Trauma populations just happened to be so much more vulnerable to this to begin with.
  
  Having your own active trauma, on top of your clients’ past trauma, on top of their fresh and ongoing trauma is…a lot. Units are just unable to cope right now; and, as they have thinned out, not only did the quality of programs decline, but more severely, so has their safety. Patients leaving more traumatized than they came in, or suffering catastrophic lapses in safety whilst there (or immediately upon discharge), aren’t things we can risk. Compromising unit integrity can cost lives. It’s a snowball effect that compromises everyone involved and only ends in disaster. Closure, or program reduction-and-refocus, is the only ethical choice.
  

• Lack of awareness that dedicated trauma programs exist at all. The consequences this unfamiliarity to complex trauma care brings are twofold. First, most training psychologists and psychiatrists don’t even know trauma disorders are a specialty they could pursue. This makes them even less familiar with the option of completing their post-doctoral fellowship (or comparable residency) on a specialized trauma disorders unit. Second, the treating therapists of survivors are largely unaware that dedicated treatment centers exist for their patients in crisis to go. Combined, this creates an impossible equation. It not only increases the disparity between the number of survivors in need to the number of treatment providers available, but also makes it impossible to accurately measure the scope of their need. Reliable figures to represent the demand for trauma care are impossible to gather so long as clinicians aren’t attempting to admit their patients to programs they don’t know exist. Even waitlists fail to illustrate just how many are going without acute, crisis care. We, inevitably, are losing far more patients than we can possibly know.
  
  Additionally, while ignorance to trauma and dissociation is prevalent in all of healthcare, those who are already in the field are too often unaware of what separates a “trauma unit” from any other program. Trauma disorders programs are as different from an adult general psychiatric or even dual-diagnosis unit as, say, an eating disorder or adolescent program would be to each of those. Not only from the staffing, rules, and unit atmosphere, but in the work that is done there. Daily schedules are filled to the brim - including things like educational groups on coping skills; the incorporation of DBT, CBT, and sensorimotor tools; broader psychoeducation on trauma, child development, and medication management; processing groups to share heavy emotions, struggles with safety, sexuality and intimacy concerns, the challenges of comorbid addictions and/or compulsive behaviors, as well as even walking through trauma narratives; expressive therapies to work with one’s inner child and/or parts inside, connecting with your body safely, or creatively depicting important emotions; as well as an abundance of relapse prevention-based groups. Individual therapy may be 3-5 times a week and psychiatry is usually daily. It is hard, intense, grueling work. Stays are often 2-3 weeks at minimum but can easily become months depending on the program and level of care needed. These units do more than just stabilize patients; leaving prematurely can be quite dangerous, which is, of course, why they stay longer.
  
  So. How do we prove the value and necessity of trauma units when far too many have never even heard of their existence? How do you staff an entire unit, and fill it with the survivors desperately needing to be there, if you don’t even know it's an option?  …sadly, it’s become almost too accurate to say they don’t actually exist and aren’t an option.
  

• Pioneers of trauma hospitalization are retiring. Most of the leading trauma units began in the 80s-90s, with the pioneers of trauma and dissociation research as we know them at the helm. They built their programs from the ground up, trained those under them for decades, and remained in leadership until very recently. It’s now time to retire, step down, or focus solely on education. When they leave, finding quality leadership to fill their shoes can be a messy, disruptive, chaotic transition. While some found balance, others didn’t at all. Even those who seemed to at first lost what they had over time. And, when there’s disruption at the top, it seeps into everything beneath it - like syrup soaked through a pancake stack. That’s when patients suffer. And, when patients begin to suffer instead of heal, that’s when you’re failing oath number one of any good medical practice: Do No Harm.
  

• Ever-evolving fields create change and conflict. The true understanding of trauma and dissociation is not only a relatively new, ever-evolving landscape, but the preferred treatment models are steeply in flux. The various treatment facilities we’ve had often disagreed with one another, had different modalities, rules, groups, and patient atmospheres. But, that was largely a good thing, because patients could then choose the model that was working best for them through the guidance of their outpatient teams. That’s the benefit of having so very many locations.
  
  Patients aren’t a monolith. And certainly not those with dissociative disorders. But, when that disagreement is occurring internally, within one program, and they’re unable to settle on best practice or a modality, things break down. Programs unravel. Staff leave. Patients are failed. You know the tune by now.
  

• Long stays, long waitlists, long everything. Trauma units are most effective when they don’t merely stabilize a patient and send them on their way, but instead supply them with a modest amount of treatment. First: robust tools, coping skills, trauma education. For some, a diagnosis at all. Many learn for the very first time, only whilst hospitalized, that they even have any trauma at all, that they dissociate, or that they possess an entire OSDD/DID system within them. It can be a HUGE, life-altering shock—one that requires a delicate, gentle hand to help them digest and process it through. Others need a safe place they can go to work through a piece of trauma content that has continually destabilized them outpatient. This, too, requires great care and - above all - time.
  
  Stays can become quite long. There is little turnover compared to other units. Their waitlists are often so long that those in crisis can’t actually get in when they need it. They’re forced to go elsewhere - even if it’s an eating disorder, substance abuse, or other subspecialty program that includes some trauma care. This isn’t ideal for anyone, but hospital systems don’t like it either. Insurance companies above all don’t like it. Patients can’t afford it when they’re either cut-off too soon or before they can get in at all. The model just isn’t sustainable.
  
  Doctors and therapists don’t want to have up fight so hard just to keep their patients there. Accepting a pro-bono or halved rate to save a client’s life gets messy when you’re doing so repeatedly. Reimbursements dwindle. Many would rather just….frankly? Not fuss with it. Their time, patience and fight could be put in elsewhere for the benefit of survivors. It’s just one more reason we need MORE units, not less. But, since that didn’t occur, the strain on those already here was inevitable. Breakdown follows.
  

• Bad apples. Simply put? We’d be remiss to not acknowledge this very plain reality. Awful people exist everywhere. That sadly includes trauma care, be they leadership or unit staff. Sometimes they come as wolves in sheep’s clothing, others are merely ignorant but still harm all they touch. All it takes is one or two morally grey folks to step onto a unit before everything starts turning toxic. Y’know, “spoil the whole bunch” and all. Some units fell victim to this early and disintegrated, others later on. It became particularly evident in some locations when patients were coming out with horrid experiences by the handfuls. The consequences of this are just so much higher with already-traumatized clients. Therapists would avoid or warn against them. Eyes widen at their name. It, heartbreakingly, happens and was the downfall of some, just as it can be the downfall of any.

There are so many more spokes to this wheel that, while a disappointingly honest thought to end on, we could no doubt list more and more for hours to come. But, our fingers are admittedly tired, hearts just aching with pain, and whole selves yearning for solutions or a light to crack through the darkness just as much as you are. So, let’s take a moment to consider a few ways we can begin to turn this around. Breathe. Find fresh air.

What can we do to change this?

No action in this crisis is too small or insignificant. Whether you yourself are a survivor/patient, or instead are a clinician, concerned loved one, donor, legislator, or just a stranger with a heart, there are things we can do. And, we hope you share your own ideas below because we are in this together and thrive when we unite in collaboration, not independence.

An also-incomplete list of actions you - no, we - can take:

• Spread the message. Educate. Inform! Share this grim reality, and all the knowledge therein, with everyone you can. Help it find the hands of those in a position to make some real movement. Make noise, kick and scream, get attention. Be seen. Refuse to be overlooked. There are, no doubt, those whom this directly affects that don’t even know how dark things have gotten—how few resources they’ll have should they find themselves in crisis. Much of the world is most certainly not aware how bad it has always been. Each person it reaches is a chance for change, a flicker of hope. When we all shine at once, we burn brighter and are impossible to ignore. Go light your world.
  

• Support and raise awareness of trauma- and dissociation-dedicated organizations, like ours. Survivors won’t stop being in critical need just because there are few places for them to turn. And the public will still need reliable, accessible places to go to expand their education on trauma. We need to have a more robust supply of resources to offer everyone, to ensure they can get at least enough, even if it’s not everything they need or deserve. For our survivors who are able to access therapy, we need to guarantee they get to attend regularly, and don’t reach crisis points. For those who inevitably require inpatient care, we need to assiduously secure what is still available to them. We are only able to supply that with the aid of others. We must be the bridge to safety that’s been knocked down for them elsewhere. [Some organizations/efforts you may wish to direct your support can be found here and here.]
  

• Contact to your local hospitals. Write, call, message, whatever is accessible to you - or do all the above! Explain the need for them to open a specialized trauma unit or day program in your area. Share the high demand, vital urgency, and how complex trauma care differs from the needs of a general psychiatric population. Urge them to consult leaders in the field and work together to build quality programs. Make them aware of how their whole hospital benefits from becoming trauma-informed.
  

• Contact your community leaders, legislators, change-makers. Make them aware of the actions we need to see locally and nationally in regards to all mental health services, trauma care, and access to healthcare in its entirety. Ask them to support programs that keep folks out of crisis. Ask them to fund hospitals, mental health programs, training services that create more professionals and nonprofits who are making a difference in the lives of trauma survivors. Ask them to amplify and remedy this current trauma care crisis.
  

• Vote. Be counted. Seek elections at all levels, from the smallest and most local, to the largest, most national. Seat those who will help move the needle for all mental health care - in schools, hospitals, communities, states, countries. Prioritize the needs of complex trauma survivors who are being sorely neglected.
  

• Congregate together. Therapists, nurses, psychiatrists, mental health workers, everyone who’s ever had a dream to open up a unit or day program. Find one another and see if it’s something you might actually be able to bring to life together. What may have always been a private pipe dream on your own could actually materialize when you have an entire crew of passionate hearts with you, ones who are no longer willing to wait. Consult organizations like ours, ISSTD, An Infinite Mind, Blue Knot, and more to help design centers that will best serve our precious communities.
  

• Start small. While we need more inpatient units, and quickly, prevention is the best medicine. There are countless services that trauma survivors need but are missing that can keep them out of crisis. “Simple” things like: reliable food, utilities, transportation to appointments and sessions, community, friendship, sober activities or accountability partners, safe housing, consistent phone or internet access, medical devices, help filling out forms, some laughter in their day, etc. See where you can lend a hand or support. If you can’t do it yourself, reach out to those who may be able. Generate noise there as well. Let people know who is in need.
  

• Keep your spirits up and eyes on the goal. We know this is painfully crushing and feels rather dismal. It is extremely easy to become demoralized beyond belief or the ability to be effective. But we can’t get lost in the overwhelming sense of futility. Make sure to actively engage in self-care. Friendship. Community. Goal-setting. Active movements forward. Reflection at the progress. Gratitude. Hope-restoration. Do things that instill your faith in humanity or at least in yourself. Don’t let that dazzling spark, the one that was so invested in change that you made it all the way to the end of this article, fade out. You’re made of the brilliant stuff.

So, lets do this. Together.

You are not alone and we won’t leave anyone behind. We refuse to.

We have the ability to redirect this ship, and if there is one thing that survivors have in abundance, it’s determination, grit, and FIGHT. But you’ve never had an entire army of the same on your side. Uniting together as one front, charging ahead—that is one helluva force. One that those in our way could never have seen nor imagined. So, let’s press onward. Advance. It’s time to claim what’s yours. …ours. What we as survivors and those dedicated to them have always needed and deserved: Protection. Safety. Hope.

MORE POSTS YOU MAY FIND HELPFUL:

  ✧  Grounding 101: 101 Grounding Techniques
  ✧  Distraction 101: 101 Distraction Tools
  ✧  Flashbacks 101: 4 Tools to Cope with Flashbacks
✧ Self-Care 101: 101 Self-Care Tools
  ✧  Nighttime 101 and Nighttime 201: Sleep Strategies for Complex PTSD
✧ Color Breathing 101: How to Calm Overwhelming Emotions and Physical Pain
  ✧  Imagery 101: Healing Pool and Healing Light
  ✧  DID Myths: Dispelling Common Misconceptions about Dissociative Identity Disorder
  ✧  Did You Know?: 8 Things We Should All Know about C-PTSD and DID
  ✧  Trauma and Attachment: 3-Part Series on Attachment Theory with Jade Miller
 
  ❖  Article Index  ❖

FIND US ON SOCIAL MEDIA:

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Self-Care 101: Featuring 101 Self-Care Techniques for Trauma Survivors

Self-Care

When you hear the term “self-care”, you may envision cozy blankets, warm mugs, and a very Pinterest-y collection of activities fit for a #SelfCareSunday. In truth, self-care extends well beyond the simple comforts. And, for survivors of complex trauma, just achieving those moments of self-kindness can be a real challenge. It can even feel abrasive, anxiety-inducing, or undeserved. We hope to be able to help you challenge those feelings while also offering a wide variety of options to explore at your own pace — from the most low-effort and temporary acts of self-care, to the most impactful, long-lasting, and self-honoring.

To start, let's define self-care:

So, if self-care is so life-giving and healing, why is it so hard?

As with anything related to trauma, it’s complicated. The reasons can be extremely vast and layered. However, for most who have survived recurrent childhood trauma, they’re often left with both a negative self-concept and a negative-world view. After being made to feel worthless, “bad,” shameful, as if they’re the one to blame, or like their sole purpose in this world is to be hurt, just trying to think kindly toward one’s self can create profound dissonance. More self-loving actions, particularly those physical in nature, can inflict a kind of pain or friction that almost feels intolerable or just plain “wrong”.

That said, while difficult, it is still imperative that we try to rewrite those scripts and retrain our brains to accept the nurture and compassion we crave. The longer we deepen the pathways of self-neglect, self-hate, obsessive care-taking, people-pleasing, overwork, isolation, or self-harm, the harder it is to break free. …and, the more displeasing it feels to try. Unfortunately, when self-care doesn’t immediately “feel good,” we’re no longer incentivized to try again. But try we must.

We cannot run on empty and we cannot live always scraping the bottom; we must give from the overflow. We are more efficient, more vibrant, clearer-thinking; more energetic, loving, patient, connected to others and the world when we are satiated and restored. Just a small shift in that equilibrium can make us cranky or irritable. Chronically running on empty starts to cause irreversible damage — even at the cellular level.

When we’re taken care of and thoughtful to ourselves and our bodies, we are not only healthier, we are better humans to those we love and care about. Taking care of yourself has a ripple effect of positive change and influence. It can also be a corrective experience. Treating your body, mind, and spirit with love and kindness gives you a chance to feel the very things you were denied when you were younger or didn’t know you needed. YOU have a chance to be in control and be the benefactor of that gift — what a remarkable shift in dynamics from what you’ve always known. Self-care is active defiance against all who hurt you or trained you to hurt yourself. With every positive affirmation, loving touch, and self-protective act, you strongly reject and defy everything they drilled into you and hoped you’d feel forever. Reclaim your worth. It’s YOURS, not theirs.

Self-care is in no way selfish. It is an absolute necessity for all living beings. We deserve to feel well, nourished, secure, and forgiven. And, meeting our needs helps more than just us. Our loved ones want to see us fulfilled, and they enjoy seeing when we carry ourselves with lightness. Those needs, however, are in no way limited to what can be resolved with an adult coloring book or Netflix series. They’re complex, and meeting them may require larger tasks, such as setting appropriate boundaries, changing jobs, paying bills on time, scheduling doctor's appointments, ending self-harming behaviors, and so much more. Below, you’ll find a wide variety of self-care options.  We cannot wait to hear about your journey with greater self-empathy and learning the positive impact that taking ownership of your life can create.
 

101 Self Care Techniques

Here are 101 tools for practicing self-care! We have organized them by those that are somewhat more low-effort (things you can do from where you’re seated or while still fighting symptoms), to those that will require some planning, a trip outside, or considerable follow-through. They’re also loosely sorted by their impact as well. Some tools exist in short-lived bursts and just refuel the tank, others will prompt more significant, life-sustaining change over the course of years.

As always with trauma, not all of these suggestions will work for you. Some may be triggering or even exacerbate other mental health conditions. Use your discretion: take what you need and leave what you don’t. However, do keep in mind that just because something seems aversive or anxiety-inducing does not mean it isn’t deeply needed or ultimately self-caring. This is especially true with the more involved actions. Not all will feel good as you complete them - in fact, few will. Despite this, the healing at completion is what’s worth the trial of pushing through the task. So, pace yourself, but also challenge yourself to not object outright just because something sounds scary or hard. The most difficult things can sometimes be the things we need most! Happy self-caring!

Low Effort / Impact

1. Take a 10-minute break from whatever you’re doing - work, house-cleaning, scrolling social media, etc - to close your eyes and, just, be. Perhaps add some mindfulness, imagery or meditation as you recharge.

2. Take a short nap. (Rest is often one of the primary things missing for survivors. Give yourself permission. It’s okay. You deserve a chance to turn off and feel less vigilant and tense.)

3. Apply body lotions, face creams and/or essential oils. Appreciate the scent. Pay attention to the kindness and attention you’re giving your skin and senses.

4. Listen to an audiobook or podcast.

5. Listen to a specific self-care oriented playlist.

6. Watch a light-hearted comedy show, stand-up routine, film or YouTube video.

7. Allow yourself a binge-watch session on Netflix/Hulu/Amazon.

8. Watch the live feed from the International Space Station (ISS).

9. Catch your favorite sport or watch re-runs of one of the best matches/games/meets. You already know the outcome, so limited attention is required, you just get to relive the excitement that you likely haven’t felt for awhile.

10. Enjoy your favorite snack or have one you rarely get to enjoy.

11. Text a friend or safe family member. Reach out.

12. Make a gratitude list or write in your gratitude journal. Express appreciation or thankfulness for some of the simplest things as well as the extremely significant things in your day/life.

13. List 10 things that… you are good at, that you like about yourself (or are learning to like), or reasons you are a good person and deserve care.

14. List 20 accomplishments you have made this year.

15. Repeat a personal mantra. Examples: I am worthy, I am enough, There are people who love me even when I am unsure of myself, I am innocent, etc.

16. Permission to not be perfect. Let the dishes stay in the sink, don’t make the bed, don’t vacuum, for just one night.

17. Take your prescribed medications. They help your body function optimally and give it what it needs. You deserve them.

18. Allow yourself to take PRN medications if you are in need.

19. Hydrate. Try limiting from caffeines, energy drinks, sodas, etc and boost your water intake if needed.

20. Spend some time with a pet: give them lots of snuggles, pets, walks, grooming, or play with them.

21. Use a weighted blanket, weighted lap pad, or weighted vest. Apply deep pressure or compression with other items if you don’t have these. Soothe your overstimulated nervous system and feel more rooted and grounded in your body.

22. Listen to music specifically with earbuds in. Allow yourself a chance to drown out the rest of the world entirely.

23. Download incredible self-care apps like Finch. Even those of us here at BAB, who educate on self-care use this and give it two enthusiastic thumbs up!

24. Watch “Try Not to Laugh” or “Try Not to Sing/Dance” Challenge videos on YouTube. You’ll probably accidentally break at least once and that’s half the fun! ;)

25. Our go-to favorite: try to laugh without smiling. If nothing else, this video of several trying to do so will bring immediate joy: CLICK!

26. Watch oddly-satisfying compilations, ASMR videos (if they’re enjoyable/safe for you), or any other sensorily-comforting activities.

27. Experiment with selfies. Learn to appreciate your self, your skin, your features. Start the journey of being more okay with you. OR! Just take a moment to rock it like you always do.

28. Make pictures out of your freckles, drawings out of your scars, and beauty from your wrinkles. With intention, practice the act of loving the skin you’re in (in a very non-cheesy, Dove commercial kinda way :) ).

29. Hold a stuffed animal, soft blanket, or other comfort item. Run your fingers over meaningful items from loved ones, necklaces/rings, coins, stones, or other special pieces. 

30. Watch your favorite childhood movie - especially if younger parts of you are in need of those positive memories.

31. Scroll through self-acceptance, body positive, or self-love tags online for uplifting encouragement to look after and love the you that you are today.

32. Delete apps that are draining your time, energy, and/or focus. You can always add them back, but try ditching them for awhile to see how it feels.

33. Mute/block folks on social media that are causing you stress or bringing you down.

34. Put your phone on silent, including no vibrate (aside emergency contacts if necessary), for at least a couple of hours. Notice how it feels to be disconnected from that world and engaged with the one directly around you.

35. Go through a folder of saved meaningful comments, emails or personal letters/cards. If you don’t have one of these, create one.
    Start by making a computer or phone folder just for screenshots of nice, uplifting comments/messages received from loved ones; cool moments, replies or follows from celebs or people you really admire; or any special moments that made you feel excited, encouraged or that really touched your heart. Revisiting this treasure trove can really help restore your faith in others but most importantly your love for YOU.

    
    
    
    Medium Effort / Impact
    
    

36. Read a book, any book!

37. Look ahead to your upcoming week/month and see if there are any obligations that you can remove or delegate to someone else.

38. Reach out to a support group/group chat for some positive reinforcement.

39. Wash your face, brush your teeth, take a shower, change your clothes. Sometimes that’s all you can do but it can make you feel SO much better.

40. Take a bath (perhaps using oils, bath bombs, or creating a calming environment).

41. Mild pampering. Do a face mask, paint your nails, shave your face or legs, or do any other caring act toward your body (Any gender! Face masks and nail polish are for everyone!)

42. Stretch. Open up your body. Breathe deep and connect to yourself in your skin. Be present with yourself. (Kundalini yoga can be a style that’s quite pleasant to many survivors.)

43. Wear something you absolutely love or have always wanted to wear, regardless of what others might think/say. This is your life, your body, your aesthetic. Wear it for you. It affects their life path 0%, and yours considerably.

44. Do imagery exercises where you are able to fly, drift weightlessly atop clouds, swim without holding your breath, swing on a trapeze, or be wrapped up in hanging silks, etc. Let yourself feel floaty and breezy in the air or fully supported by something gentle beneath you. Feel the tension leave your body as you transport yourself to this place of suspended pain.

45. Make your favorite meal — no guilt allowed!

46. Go get some fro-yo, ice cream, or other dietary-friendly dessert. We all need a social treat from time to time!

47. Play with bubbles, sparklers, sidewalk chalk, or something else silly-but-aesthetically-pleasing!

48. Remind yourself that: Getting started is the hardest part. “I just have to start, then it’s so much simpler than I am imagining it to be.” The greatest obstacle that most all of us face is getting started. Things are almost never as hard, dreadful, boring, or unpleasant as we think they’ll be. And, after we’re in our groove, we wonder whyyyy we waited so long. Recall all the times you felt this way to motivate you to get started on whatever it is that you need to do!

49. Write a letter to your body — one of love, compassion, thankfulness, respect.

50. Write a personal letter of self-forgiveness.

51. Play an instrument or sing with passion — it doesn’t matter if you’re any good or not, the only thing that matters is you let it come from deep down and just let it out.

52. Do something creative (art, painting, a DIY project, wood-working, building).

53. De-clutter to de-stress. (If this will trigger OCD thoughts/compulsions, perhaps try something else, or instead use the opportunity to specifically work on these thoughts and show yourself the mastery you can have over difficult tasks.)

54. Change your sheets and linens to make a more relaxing space — one that is more fresh and cozy for you.

55. Create the Pinterest dream: get in your most cozy PJs early, find the snuggliest blanket and just curl up for the evening doing something you like.

56. Play your favorite video game.

57. Pull out an old GameBoy, PC game, or childhood board game — dive into some positive nostalgia or let young parts of yourself enjoy a game they know so very well.

58. Specifically listen to music or watch films that will stir deeper emotions. Just let yourself get them out without shame or fear. We all need a good cry and to feel safe enough to express what’s been stuck.

59. Spend time in a bookstore or library, by yourself or with friends.

60. Turn on some pumped up music and just dance, rock out, sing, let go — shame free.

61. Go to a park to swing on swings, go down a slide, climb the monkey bars. Tap into younger you and give yourself the gift of carefree fun without any fear.

62. Try various guided imagery scripts, progressive muscle relaxation, or do your own personal imagery routine. We even have some examples here to manage physical or emotional pain.

63. Do children’s activities (for young alters or your inner child): read children books, watch cartoons, enjoy Disney movies, color with crayons, play with matchbox cars or dinosaurs, build a fort, get creative!

64. Remove current triggers from your environment.

65. List some new goals — both short term and long term. (Make ‘em SMART: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timely)

66. FaceTime/Skype with a loved one you haven’t seen for spoken to for awhile.

67. Play a sport or do a physical activity you love (even if you’re no good at it anymore!). It’s all about reconnecting to that joy and sense of identity more than it is about having a successful endeavor.

68. Work with your hands outside: gardening, re-potting plants, planting new ones, raking leaves, etc. Connect with the earth and your body. Reflect on the nurture you’re giving to these living things and remind yourself of the own vitality you deserve, and how it needs to be restored from time to time, too.

69. Take a hike, walk through the woods, stroll along a beach - somewhere away from the busyness of the world - to have some alone time with you, your thoughts and all of the nature.

70. Go for a long drive. Blast music. Roll the windows down.

71. Submit your rent or pay your electric/cable/phone/car insurance bills. Scratch them off the to-do list and get them off your mind.

72. Make that doctors appointment, schedule the dentist, prepare to see the GYN, plan for that surgery — take that scary step of caring for your health and body. Make those calls. You’ve got this. Your body is counting on you.

73. Buy yourself an item that isn’t a basic necessity. It’s so nice to have a few items just for joy or entertainment.

74. Schedule body-healing appointments: a massage, fitness class, acupuncture session, beauty treatment, or other self-soothing service.

75. Return the voicemails, emails or other correspondence that are presently overwhelming you.

    
    

    
    
    Higher Effort / Impact

76. Say NO to something causing you distress. Feel the way you are taking control of your life and notice the strength in your voice.

77. Consider a week-long social media detox.

78. Try disallowing last-minute cancelling for a week or a month. Remind yourself how amazing you feel when you get home from something you so badly wanted to back-out from. Remind yourself that while the thought of cancelling can feel exhilarating, it almost NEVER feels as good as the pride and happiness you feel when you’ve conquered it or know the great memories you just created. 

79. Plan to attend a concert, Broadway or theater show, comedian, TEDTalk, or author on a book tour. Pick something really important to you and carve out that time with intention.

80. Join a painting, wood-working, photography, creative writing, graphic design, or other class. Connect with your community while trying something new.

81. Rearrange your room or most-used living space. Shake things up and make it an environment that really honors what you need from a room you spend so much time in.

82. Journal. Express what’s on your heart and mind. Honor that and give it a voice. Then contain it neatly within those pages so that you can walk away from it when you need.

83. Write letters of gratitude to loved ones. Make this one that you would truly send to them. Make it an exercise in vulnerability, safe attachment and building lasting relationships.

84. Plan future visits with friends and incentivize yourself to follow through.

85. Spend quality time with your kids — pressure free, totally organic, just enjoying their company.

86. Plan a mini-vacation, weekend getaway, staycation, or at-home break. You need and deserve to recharge.

87. Experiment with fun, different hair colors and/or cuts. Try mixing up your clothing style. Really find yourself while also challenging yourself to see if there’s anything there you didn’t know was hiding inside.

88. Plan out new tattoos, body modifications, etc. Embark in the act of self-love and identity-building. Take control of your body safely and in a way you’ve never possibly gotten to before.

89. Complete a body map. Or several. (Examples: Here and plenty more in the book You Are Here.)

90. Go swimming, float in the tub, try a float spa, etc. Go somewhere where you can truly feel more weightless, with no pressure on your body. Bask in that lightness and feel what a wonderful thing you’re doing for your body.

91. Try kickboxing, martial arts, jujitsu, etc. Get out all the anxiety, fear and anger. Feel strong and empowered in your body and what it can do.

92. Experiment with safe touch. Use feathers, cotton, string, fingertips, light scratching, something cool, something warm. Drag them across your skin in varying places. Connect with your body and appreciate its ability to distinguish such subtle changes. Notice how different areas of the body read that stimuli differently. Try to self-soothe with the kinds of touch that you discover feel nice.

93. Similarly, experiment with safe sensuality. This can be a terrifying concept for so many survivors. Becoming more comfortable with your body in a controlled, empowered way - with agency and self-love - can start to dilute so many layers of conditioned fear-response or shame. Appreciate your body as your own, no one else’s; notice what it can do, feel, sense, desire - all at your direction. Recognize that it’s safe, healthy, secure, and all YOURS. In time, consider opening this exploration up with a trusted partner/spouse.

94. Make a commitment to take care of your body in every way. Delineate a plan that includes exercise, proper nourishment, cessation of self-harming behaviors, therapy, a consistent medication regimen, healthy relationships, meaningful productivity, FUN, and so much more. Try to strive for balance and observe the areas you are lacking. List ways you can combat this.

95. Research that new doctor, dentist, therapist, or clinician you’ve been needing to find. If you are currently with a provider you frequently cancel on, don’t feel listens to you, makes you feel bad about yourself, or isn’t helping you achieve your goals, make a plan to end care with them and have a replacement lined up. No longer accept sub-par or harmful treatment. You are hiring them. They are paid to work for you. If they are failing as your employee, let them go. You deserve more.

96. Volunteer somewhere that really speaks to your heart. Whether that is an animal shelter, soup kitchen/food pantry, after-school program, services for low-income or homeless individuals, or a charity like ours, find what really stirs in your heart and makes you feel like you’re fulfilling a greater life purpose.

97. Connect with a sense of spirituality if you have one or desire one. Take time to explore prayer, listen to spiritual/religious music, read books or articles, attend a service or group, etc. Carve out the time to make this possible in a meaningful way. If you have a very complicated relationship with anything spiritual or religion-based, just take the time to instead connect to the aspects of yourself that are bigger than just your thoughts/actions. Explore what makes you, you — whether that’s your soul, essence, energy, spirit, or some other nebulous idea. Spend time with yourself in a way that really takes into consideration your place in a more vast universe.

98. Write a letter to your younger self (or selves). Express forgiveness, love, and understanding for young you. Give those parts of you comfort. Tell them the things you wished someone had told you at that age. When you are ready, be detailed and specific. Allow the most wounded parts of your being to feel the compassion, respect and understanding you have for them today. Give them love. Be the person you needed when you were younger.

99. Learn a skill. Increase your sense of self-sufficiency. Learn to sew, change a tire, unclog a drain, repair electronics, change your own oil, do your own taxes, navigate public transit, photoshop, etc — you name it!

100. List all of the things you’ve already gained or COULD gain from giving up self-harming, self-disrespecting or suicidal behaviors. Compare and contrast those to what engaging in them currently provides. If you have not created a safety plan or established a personal “triangle of choices”, create one of those.

101. Set boundaries with those in your life who really need firmer boundaries — even those for whom it is very difficult to do so. Be firm, clear, specific and confident. You can also be kind and compassionate, but don’t allow that to cloud the non-negotiability of these terms. Whether this is done in the form of a letter, email, phone call, or face to face discussion, know your limits and then set them with others. You deserve it. You require it. And you can do this.

Bonus acts of self care:

⤞ If you’re currently in a job that’s harming your mental health, a home that’s causing health issues, a relationship that’s breaking down your self-esteem or worth, a location that’s not safe for you or doesn’t have what you need, or you’re in a place where you don’t have access to the resources you need to not only survive but thrive — strongly consider all of your options to change these circumstances. Explore services that could help you find solutions if you don’t even know what those might look like. You don’t have to do this on your own. 

⤞ Get a brand new pet or look into training a service animal.

⤞ Send us an email, fill out an application, reach out in the comments. Feel our support, care, and love. We are here for you!

Don’t forget to share your go-to acts of self-care with us and other survivors below!
You may unlock the answer to a specific ache in someone else!

MORE POSTS YOU MAY FIND HELPFUL:

  ✧  Grounding 101: 101 Grounding Techniques
  ✧  Distraction 101: 101 Distraction Tools
  ✧  Flashbacks 101: 4 Tools to Cope with Flashbacks
  ✧  Nighttime 101 and Nighttime 201: Sleep Strategies for Complex PTSD
✧ Color Breathing 101: How to Calm Overwhelming Emotions and Physical Pain
  ✧  Imagery 101: Healing Pool and Healing Light
  ✧  DID Myths: Dispelling Common Misconceptions about Dissociative Identity Disorder
  ✧  Did You Know?: 8 Things We Should All Know about C-PTSD and DID
  ✧  Trauma and Attachment: 3-Part Series on Attachment Theory with Jade Miller
 
  ❖  Article Index  ❖

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Dissociation and Survival vs. Living: A Survivor's Story

 

A CSA Survivor's Relationship with Dissociation, Survival and Living:

     
    "There are many things I wish I could help people understand about childhood trauma; this just happens to be one I hear very little about. Like many survivors, I struggle to hear sentiments like, "Oh my! I'm so so glad that's over now and you got through it!", "I can't believe you got out of that alive. I couldn't even do that now! I'd give up," or "At least you know your worst days are behind you. You know you can conquer anything!". Even resources and groups for trauma survivors, as well as therapists and clinicians, can share quips like "You survived the abuse, you're going to survive the recovery!". While these things intend to uplift or highlight our strength, they all categorically deny the fundamental mechanism that allowed us to survive in the first place, and why adulthood is the real hard part: dissociation.

    Make no mistake, those of us who endured trauma as children are courageously strong. We were forced to be tougher than most, and - by nature or necessity - we became resilient, creative, and sharp. But Little Me didn't even experience the bulk of the trauma back then. I wasn't connected to the physical pain or sheer terror. I wasn't incapacitated by shame, disgust, or uncleanliness. I wasn't aware of the immorality, nor was I having a crisis of conscience. I didn't even know who was hurting me for much of my childhood – parts of my mind did, but not me.

Little Me wasn't facing the anger or the blistering sting of betrayal knowing that those I loved most hurt me in such inhumane ways. I wasn't yet aware this was abnormal or something that could make me feel alien or 'different' from my peers. I was numb, hyperfocused on the things I could control, and was even made to feel special or self-confident in certain traumatic areas very early on. While some of that confidence dwindled over time and I became more aware of my unhappiness, insecurity, and "irrational" fears, none of that compares to what you might imagine a tortured child feels — let alone what I was about to feel later in life.

    That suffering is here now. Adulthood is when all of it breaks through and confronts you with a vengeance. No, the abuse is not "over", it is not "behind me", it is not "something I got through". As far as my mind and body are concerned, it is NOW. It is very alive and in full-effect. Each excruciating detail of physical pain, disgust, and revulsion. Every tidal wave of anger at those who knew and did nothing, those who saw my innocence as an opportunity, and those who failed me at my every attempt for help. Each immobilizing shockwave of new material that re-writes my entire life story from how I once knew it. It is all alive in my spine, my eyes, my heart, my mind. THIS is when my survival is tested.

I am hypervigilant, terrified, exhausted, unsure if I'm even real. I exist in hollowing spaces of grief for Little Me and the life I should have had. ...lost in an endless state of confusion, horror, disbelief, and dismay. It is all-consuming, all day, and all night. ...especially the night. THIS is active trauma in my brain and body. THIS is my battleground. I am fighting for my life NOW. As an adult, not as a child.

     Furthermore, the dissociative process not only contorts the timeline of when we experience our trauma, but the independent symptom of dissociation itself challenges life as an adult, too. ..even beyond the forgetfulness, memory gaps, driving troubles, safety, maintaining a job, etc.. Two of the most critical elements of trauma recovery are in establishing healthy relationships and improving our overall worldview. It's very hard to want to carry on when all you've known is the absolute worst of mankind; being able to look around, connect, and believe the world is still good is vital to our sanity, safety, and healing. But, dissociation challenges this.

It can dull your senses, leave you numb to positive feelings, keep you at an emotional distance from love or affections shown to you. It can keep you trapped in a surreal in-between state of both the past and the present—where you respond to what's happening today with the same emotional maturity you had as a child. Emotional flashbacks, unexpected triggers, and other sudden symptoms that crop up - particularly in intimate relationships or the more meaningful aspects of life - can complicate joy and frustrate the people in your life. But most of all, no one wants to just "be alive", we want to LIVE. Fully and authentically, with all the vibrance and richness available to us. But, dissociation has a way of diluting and blurring the world - stripping it of its color and beauty. How do you hold onto a light that you can barely see, feel, or trust is even there?

    Like most all means of sheer survival, dissociation has its pros and cons. Just like chemotherapy and emergency surgery, they can keep you alive, but there are risks. They are also unpleasant in the moment and - separate from the conditions that necessitate these interventions - they carry longterm consequences of their own. But, without them, you wouldn't be here—so it's a constant tug of war with perspective and gratitude. Dissociation is no different.

It got me through. It saved my life. It gave Little Me a fighting chance. But it also made life after abuse so. darn. difficult. Because, I should feel free. The abuse has ended, I am safe. I should be dancing and singing and holding everything I love dear to my chest. But instead, now is when I fight. Now is when I stare down my trauma, my innocence, my perpetrators - all with adult intellect and understanding - and try to decide if this life is worth living or if I'm up for the task.

    It is worth it. And, I am up for the fight. I'm going to do this and will do it with grace and strength. But then, and only then, can you say I survived the impossible or that 'it's over now'. This is the battle. ..and not for just survival, but for life. To make this existence meaningful now. I get the autonomy of choice today, not just get to be along for the ride. I get to choose Life and choose Me each day. The fight is no longer to endure the day just see the next one, or go through the motions while feeling trapped here by obligation to those I love, but instead to fill each day with things of meaning and substance. Things I GET to do. Things I’m so grateful I got to do before my time comes.

    I get to discover texture and nuance, vibrance and stillness, range in opacity and brightness - all for the first time. I get to engage with the world like a child, but with it in my control and at my direction. There is so much to learn and discover, so much I've not tasted or touched, and I get to let that excitement lead me. I can trust it. Grow from it. Share it with another. Because I know I am going to conquer this. The trauma, the feelings, the defeat, the difficult relationships, even the dissociation. I will remain appreciative of what dissociation made possible for me, despite its thorns.

I want Young Me to get credit for surviving the horror. But I want Adult Me to get credit for not just surviving additional anguish, but for learning to LIVE, too.

 

 

MORE POSTS YOU MAY FIND HELPFUL:

  ✧  Grounding 101: 101 Grounding Techniques
  ✧  Distraction 101: 101 Distraction Tools
  ✧  Flashbacks 101: 4 Tools to Cope with Flashbacks
✧ Self-Care 101: 101 Self-Care Tools
  ✧  Nighttime 101 and Nighttime 201: Sleep Strategies for Complex PTSD
✧ Color Breathing 101: How to Calm Overwhelming Emotions and Physical Pain
  ✧  Imagery 101: Healing Pool and Healing Light
  ✧  DID Myths: Dispelling Common Misconceptions about Dissociative Identity Disorder
  ✧  Did You Know?: 8 Things We Should All Know about C-PTSD and DID
  ✧  Trauma and Attachment: 3-Part Series on Attachment Theory with Jade Miller
 
  ❖  Article Index  ❖

FIND US ON SOCIAL MEDIA:

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